Opportunities foregone are lost forever. God, I'm so remorseful of all those that I've let pass without making so much as an inch of effort to just try. I could've been an apprentice of a great sculptor whose works have been exhibited in reputable institutions - like the freakin' national museum! But my idiot self sadly let go the opportunity. You know why? Coz i was chicken shit! My stuck up, pride-blinded self refused to be reduced into someone's sidekick! No, really. I was scared shitless to discover myself. I was a coward. I wish I could turn back time, but no. This is what I am. I have to accept it and move forward. this time, the coward will no longer be...

I wrote two love letters today. One for asking forgiveness, the other for letting go. I've been carrying a whole load of baggage, and I hadn't even noticed until I let them go. Who knows? Karma might be nicer to me this time. heheh

What I pray for the most is peace of mind. I hope I'll come closer to that now that I've come clean with the skeletons I've been keeping in this dark closet of mine. I hope the sun shines brighter for me tomorrow.

I've got dumb, crippling issues. Here's my confession: I hate it when people look over my shoulder when I'm making sketches or drawing. I hate having to endure whatever they have to say about my work, coz then I'd have to think of what to say in reply, and I'm not sure I'm any good at taking compliments. And to think I took up Fine Arts for two years! Maybe that's the reason why I didn't stick with it and graduated. I mean, I loved it over there! I loved all the things that we made in class, and the people that I've met were crazy as hell or at least were absolutely cool as a glass of ice water. But I clammed up. I got scared of showing a part of myself out there for everyone to look at and observe, and judge. I was such a coward! And so I slacked off, and went to my classes less and less, until I didn't go at all. Like everything I've ever started doing, I quit. Gave up. Gave up and stamped out the fire. Got scared... Now there's a sad realization...

I love this painting. It says it all.

Kafka on the Shore

When you read a good story, you just keep reading. You turn your phone off, put yourself in seclusion and forget the rest of the world... until you finish reading that story. It's been a while since I've read a book that made me wanna just sit and escape into my imagination. It's surreal, nostalgic and melancholy mood affects me the way the warmth of your own bed unties the knots in your aching bones after a long day's work. The familiar smell of the cushions release you from all restrictions, and lets you sink into deep slumber until you explore the depths of your mind through your dreams. Kafka, the main character, is a 15 year old boy who runs away from home and discovers himself in the process, and comes to terms with the past that has molded him into what he has become. I love it! The journey to face the truth about one's self, one's weaknesses, one's strengths. In the end he got a little too sentimental, but overall it was a fantastic ride and I'd recommend it to anyone who's trying to look deep into himself. (Isn't everybody?) And the weirdness of it entices me! Murakami is a positively crazy person!

wish list

I love in silence. All truth told in silence. No one knows what hides beneath this hooded cape. The truth is that which I never show. I long for things warm and sincere. I long for the greatest love. My scarred heart yearns for all things good and worthy of reciprocity. Love, evermore. Friendship of the purest kind. A mother's embrace that gives relief to heartbreak. A father's return that would make evern the greatest things seem insignificant...

An evening of quiet solitude
Searching, wandering in the depths
of this tangled web of mind
oblivious in the melancholy hum of silence.

I yearn for love
that flows like the river
Quicksilver escaping these wanting fingers
Intangible as the wind
Unable to grasp and hold near
A longing greater than love itself.

so i'm back to the velvet underground... back to the gypsy that i was..

hew.. hew.. you see your gypseeeh...

stevie nicks, man! her voice personifies unaffected cool and passion combined. i love the way she sang those melancholy lyrics from the seventies. i've never really paid much attention to her music before, but now it excites me just thinkin' about putting my earphones and turning my iPod on to the easy flow of Fleetwood Mac. I guess its just a matter of "mood" that defines what we like.

Right now it suits me. That song 'landslide'. It took my love, it took it down.

I'm in sort of a dark, melancholy mood these days. My world is black with red highlights. I've unknowingly turned myself into a goth. I went shopping a few days ago, right? Bought a bunch of shirts and a pair of jeans. I hurried home to unfurl the gifts that i treated myself to, right? And what did i see? Monochrome. Black. It's scorching hot summer and I'm in black. It's not like I told myself to ignore all the other colors and just pick out the black ones. It just sort of... came together like that. It's like I'm mourning something. The death of love. Well, it's not exactly dead yet. But dusk is just about setting in on it.

I'm not so sad about it though. I used to be, but now I think I'm ready to shake it off. Sadness gets boring too at some point. I'm not on the prowl for another one, either. I'm just letting it ride and slide easy. I'm savoring this solitude.

I know, I know. You might say I'm in denial, right? what with all the black in my wardrobe. But that's just a preference, y'know? A fashion statement. It says fuck you, I'm back to being myself. Back to the gypsy that I was...

I still believe love lingers. But just like everything else, it changes too. And it makes me happy that I understand that. =) The madness fades but love still lingers on...

the infinity of space

Life does play tricks on us mortals. I was just thinking how infatuation disappears within a blink of an eye, leaving you saying to yourself: "What the hell happened there?!" You fantasize and you pine for somebody for weeks at a time (months even), thinking about the future and holding hands and romantic revelations... and in just one ordinary night (nothing special, mind you,) you're driving down the road with headlights flashing in your eyes, and for no apparent reason you realize that that person you've been going crazy about is actually... not worth the effort.

He was too selfish and I think I'm too special(haha)!

And only yesterday I thought I loved him enough to do anything.

I address this message to all of you who are left sad and lonely...

This is not the end, you brave soul.

Imagine the infinity of possibilities that can happen to you.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE SUMMER SONG?

If you were to make a kick ass soundtrack for the summer...

InEt! Lintek!

The heat is on! Hell yeah! So, what are you gonna do when the sun burns right through your skin? You go crazy. Now there's an idea... Do what you like. Find some summer lovin' and kiss somebody before you go permanently mad. Jump in the sizzling pool of escapists and get as much good/bad/fantastic memories while you still can - while your knees can still hold yourself upright, while your back can still get you to look up to the skies, while you've still got that childlike juice left running through your arteries. Do it now. Do it while you've got the chance. Got any suggestions for a summer getaway? Nevermind the obvious, please. I want something different. Uncharted, unexploited, exotic. Leave me a suggestion, huh?

Aren't you excited?

When In Doubt

I was driving to Calinan yesterday afternoon at around 4:30, all sad and confused, when I was able to witness a spectacular view of the Mt. Apo and some beautiful evergreen rice paddies that lay below. I was feeling the moment while listening to U2's "where the streets have no name," on my iPod and lo! and behold! I had an epiphany - a moment of clarity! Suddenly I knew the answer to my three week old dilemma. I made a mental note to myself that whenever faced with seemingly futile mental puzzles, I would take a detour from my usual routine, and try to find answers from a different perspective - literally speaking. I LOVE MOTHER EARTH! She has her way of making herself heard by us stubborn mortals.

PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY, PLEASE!

I'm such an insomniac!
Well, I'm not sure if that's the perfect word for my disposition. Its not that I can't sleep, its more like I don't want to. I'd sit around my computer and smoke a zillion cigarettes, and already its 2am! I've been so out of it lately that my face is starting to do crazy things in protest!
(-) I've developed a new breed of eyebags that one could use for storing what-nots like loose change or stash smoke-able weed.
(-) My nose and forehead are always shiny and slick with oil that I just scrape off of my face in the morning to fry eggs.
This is so bad, but feels so good!
(+) Well, not all bad. At least I enjoy a few minutes of zit killing infront of the mirror once every so often. (Kadiri!!!)
I think I'm hooked. I don't know what to do. I swoon in delight just sitting around doing nothing and listening to music, and feeling tired but resisting the natural urge to sleep. Its so addictive! I don't quite understand the feeling, being that I'm new at this, but maybe when I've arranged a few words to articulate this novel emotion, I'd write another one of these bloggy things.